Liveaboard #1: I can’t believe I sat on her Santa. She is gonna kill me.
Liveaboard #2: Well, you know what they say, never come inbetween a woman and her Santa
Liveaboard #1: Who says that?
Liveaboard #2: Women, generally. In fact, they never shut up, do they? Always saying something or other.
Liveaboard #1: Mate, you been hitting the boozer again?

Where: Sovereign Harbour, Eastbourne, UK
Who: Anonymous

Harrassed looking man: I don’t mean to be rude, but how about doing some work fixing my pontoon you bastards. I fell in again this morning.

Where: South Coast, UK
Who: Anonymous

Girl: I really want to learn to sail
Man: Oh yeah? Why’s that?
Girl: I want to meet someone with a lot of money.
Man: Ha.

Where: Long Island, NY
Who: Salty

Guy, thoughtfully staring at the sea: People only become liveaboards because God hates them. It’s well known.

Where: Boardwalk, Brooklyn, NY
Who: BK

Captain: Let me just work out the tides, and then we are off
Crew: Cool, but, bear in mind I only have 2 hours parking
Captain: Really? That’s nice of you. I hate crew.

Where: Morecambe Bay, UK
Who: Anonymous

Aussie into the phone: So, tell me, is it good? Good sailing, I mean? Nice and warm and all that?
Aussie into the phone: What do you mean, locked in ice? Oh. Where are you again? Oh, blimey, you would be in ice down there! I thought you were in Tenerife and Europe and all that!

Where: Sydney, Australia
Who: Anonymous

Skipper: THE GRANNY KNOT! Damn it, the granny, you know over and in. THE GRANNY, GRANNY DAMN IT. Oh for God’s sake, some granny you’d make. Damn, how many times! One more time (really bellowing): THE FUCKING GRANNY KNOT.

Where: Canal around Evesham, UK
Who: Walker

Man 1: Why can’t chandleries ever have a half price sale? I mean, if MFI can manage a continuous one through the year, why can’t chandleries have just one? You know?
Man 2: Why bother, they don’t need to, what are you going to do? Screw your stainless bolts off an MFI sofa?
Man 1: It would probably be cheaper in the long run

Where: Port Solent, UK
Who: Assistant

Man: If I get one more pair of sailor socks I am never coming again. A man cannot live by green and red socks alone over Christmas. He cannot, he cannot, he cannot. Aaaamen.

Where: San Francisco, USA
Who: SanFranJo

Landlubber: You freeze your butt off in the winter so that you can avoid paying council tax?
Liveaboard: The fact of not paying it keeps me warm. And an oil heater.

Where: Lowestoft, UK
Who: Anonymous