Sailbad the Sinner, coming on watch and expecting a course of 185 degrees: Why are we on a 270 degrees course?
Halfwitted boat owner: I’ve taken a course off the rose. We need 270 degrees for Ibiza
Sailbad the Sinner: The compass rose is printed on the chart. Do you think that wherever you are you need to take a 270 degree course to get to Ibiza?
Halfwitted boat owner, clearly stoned: Yes.
Sailbad the Sinner: Right. I’m taking over navigation for the rest of the trip. No arguments.

Who: Sailbad the Sinner
Where: In the Med, 100 miles south of Marseilles

Stern looking man: Just imagine, spending your entire life sailing. Madness.

Where: Baleeira, Portugal
Who: Anonymous

Skipper #1: They have sailing channel on satellite here, I’ve got a 12V TV in the boat and a dish.
Skipper #2: So that you can watch sailing when you are on board?
Skipper #1: Yah, you know, in between sailing.
Skipper #2: You must seriously like sailing.
Skipper #1: Not as much as the wife likes her TV when she goes sailing with me.
Skipper #2: This really has nothing to do with sailing, has it?
Skipper #1: No, although I am doing a pretty good job of convincing you that it has!
Skipper #2: Not really.
Skipper #1: Righto, fancy a drink?

Where: Bastia, France
Who: JellyBaby

Man: A boat is not a means of transport. It is a luxury. Full stop.

Where: Oxford Arms, Camden, UK
Who: Rob

Marina Official: Hello?
Guy at the top of the mast: Err.. Yes?
Marina Official: Have you paid?
Guy at the top of the mast: No, not yet.
Marina Official: Well, are you going to?
Guy at the top of the mast: Well, yes, when I am done fixing this
Marina Official: You are not going to just sail off, are you?
Guy at the top of the mast: Mate, I am hanging off the mast!
Marina Official: It could all be a trick

Where: Newhaven Marina, Newhaven, UK
Who: Robin’s mate

Man: Ok, We’ll get you straightened away. Just take this line I throw you and secure it to your aft cleat.
Man: No! At the STERN of the boat!
Man: NO! NO! That CLEAT there. There, on the back of the boat!
Man: THE FUCKING SILVER THING!!

Where: New Brunswick Canada, Cocagne Marine
Who: Bruce

Girl Skipper: All I wanted was a girly sail but then men came and everything changed

Where: The West Quay, Brighton Marina, UK
Who: Anonymous

Woman: Yes, but they are so unhygienic!
Man: What, boats?
Woman: Well, yah, you are stuck on them for weeks with some guy, all sorts of germs may pass back and forth
Man: Quite, sailing is rubbish like that.

Where: San Francisco, USA
Who: SanFranJo

Buyer: I’ll give you 20
Lady Seller: No, sorry, the price is 22 pounds
Buyer: But it’s a boat jumble, you got to knock a few quid off
Lady Seller: No, sorry
Buyer: Well, you not gonna sell much with that attitude
Lady Seller: I am here for fresh air

Where: Newhaven Boat Jumble, UK
Who: SellerBill

Cap’n: You need to raise it. You point it at stars! The minor, the major, whatever they are called.
Woman: Ursa Minor and Ursa Major
Cap’n: What?
Woman: Ursa Minor and Ursa Major. That’s what they are called. Also known as the Big Dipper and Little Dipper.
Cap’n: I see, well, point it at them, aim for the middle.

Where: Fredrikstad, Norway
Who: Albany