Man #1: I keep missing these tennis players, every time one comes to Sussex, I am in between boats. Kurnikova came – I was buying a boat. Sharapova came, I just sold.
Man #2: Even if you had a boat, you reckon they’d come on board?
Man #1: Oh, for sure, why do you think they wouldn’t?
Man #2: Because you are a weird guy with a 26 feet Contessa. That ain’t exactly Sharapova material
Man #1: She can see past that, can’t she?
Man #2: Oh, for sure.

Where: Jamaica Inn, London
Who: Pete W.

Current rating: : 4.14 out of 6 (Click on the stars to vote)

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Man #1: Would you ever consider slapping some advertising on your sails?
Man #2: Only if it’s Durex. In big letters.

Where: Honfleur Sailing Club Bar, France
Who: Sailor

Current rating: : 5.33 out of 6 (Click on the stars to vote)

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Man: What’s that noise?
Woman: That comes on at dusk, it’s an anti-bird device, it stops birds settling on the shrowds and shitting all over our deck.
Man: Does it work?
Woman: So far I only have a facial twitch from the piercing sound, but I am sure it will all pass and we will start to fully enjoy our bird-free lifestyle.

Where: Brest, France
Who: Anonymous

Current rating: : 5.33 out of 6 (Click on the stars to vote)

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Bloke #1: Bold guys are useless sailors, you know
Bloke #2: Mate, probably 80% of sailors are bold, this is not exactly youngster land
Bloke #1: Exactly. Full set of hair, me, bloody brilliant

Where: Off Skomer, Wales, UK
Who: Me

Current rating: : 5.75 out of 6 (Click on the stars to vote)

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Man #1: Sailing has absolutely nothing to do with the type of boat you have. It’s a state of mind. Look at that bloke. He can’t even spell “boat”. He wouldn’t know a spinnaker from a Spinning Jenny.
Man #2: Errrm?
Man #1: Like I said, you need money.
Man #2: I am going to post you to “Overheard Sailing”

Where: Glasson Dock, UK
Who: Pembroke

Current rating: : 5 out of 6 (Click on the stars to vote)

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Angry Man: If you absolutely have to get to the Isle of Wight, you use a chart. It is simple. You look up where you are, you lookup where the Isle of Wight is, and you go from there. You do not say, it is over there and end up in Portsmouth. It just should not happen.

Where: Haslar Marina, Portsmouth Harbour, Portsmouth
Who: Wish I was sailing

Current rating: : 3.5 out of 6 (Click on the stars to vote)

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Marina Official: Hello?
Guy at the top of the mast: Err.. Yes?
Marina Official: Have you paid?
Guy at the top of the mast: No, not yet.
Marina Official: Well, are you going to?
Guy at the top of the mast: Well, yes, when I am done fixing this
Marina Official: You are not going to just sail off, are you?
Guy at the top of the mast: Mate, I am hanging off the mast!
Marina Official: It could all be a trick

Where: Newhaven Marina, Newhaven, UK
Who: Robin’s mate

Current rating: : 5.73 out of 6 (Click on the stars to vote)

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Woman: Yes, but they are so unhygienic!
Man: What, boats?
Woman: Well, yah, you are stuck on them for weeks with some guy, all sorts of germs may pass back and forth
Man: Quite, sailing is rubbish like that.

Where: San Francisco, USA
Who: SanFranJo

Current rating: : 5.33 out of 6 (Click on the stars to vote)

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Girl: I really want to learn to sail
Man: Oh yeah? Why’s that?
Girl: I want to meet someone with a lot of money.
Man: Ha.

Where: Long Island, NY
Who: Salty

Current rating: : 4.67 out of 6 (Click on the stars to vote)

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Skipper: THE GRANNY KNOT! Damn it, the granny, you know over and in. THE GRANNY, GRANNY DAMN IT. Oh for God’s sake, some granny you’d make. Damn, how many times! One more time (really bellowing): THE FUCKING GRANNY KNOT.

Where: Canal around Evesham, UK
Who: Walker

Current rating: : 4 out of 6 (Click on the stars to vote)

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