Man: What’s that noise?
Woman: That comes on at dusk, it’s an anti-bird device, it stops birds settling on the shrowds and shitting all over our deck.
Man: Does it work?
Woman: So far I only have a facial twitch from the piercing sound, but I am sure it will all pass and we will start to fully enjoy our bird-free lifestyle.

Where: Brest, France
Who: Anonymous

Current rating: : 5.25 out of 6 (Click on the stars to vote)

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Bloke #1: Bold guys are useless sailors, you know
Bloke #2: Mate, probably 80% of sailors are bold, this is not exactly youngster land
Bloke #1: Exactly. Full set of hair, me, bloody brilliant

Where: Off Skomer, Wales, UK
Who: Me

Current rating: : 5.67 out of 6 (Click on the stars to vote)

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Stern looking man: Just imagine, spending your entire life sailing. Madness.

Where: Baleeira, Portugal
Who: Anonymous

Current rating: : 2 out of 6 (Click on the stars to vote)

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Marina Official: Hello?
Guy at the top of the mast: Err.. Yes?
Marina Official: Have you paid?
Guy at the top of the mast: No, not yet.
Marina Official: Well, are you going to?
Guy at the top of the mast: Well, yes, when I am done fixing this
Marina Official: You are not going to just sail off, are you?
Guy at the top of the mast: Mate, I am hanging off the mast!
Marina Official: It could all be a trick

Where: Newhaven Marina, Newhaven, UK
Who: Robin’s mate

Current rating: : 5.63 out of 6 (Click on the stars to vote)

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Captain: Let me just work out the tides, and then we are off
Crew: Cool, but, bear in mind I only have 2 hours parking
Captain: Really? That’s nice of you. I hate crew.

Where: Morecambe Bay, UK
Who: Anonymous

Current rating: : 4.67 out of 6 (Click on the stars to vote)

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Man 1: Why can’t chandleries ever have a half price sale? I mean, if MFI can manage a continuous one through the year, why can’t chandleries have just one? You know?
Man 2: Why bother, they don’t need to, what are you going to do? Screw your stainless bolts off an MFI sofa?
Man 1: It would probably be cheaper in the long run

Where: Port Solent, UK
Who: Assistant

Current rating: : 5.5 out of 6 (Click on the stars to vote)

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Man: If I get one more pair of sailor socks I am never coming again. A man cannot live by green and red socks alone over Christmas. He cannot, he cannot, he cannot. Aaaamen.

Where: San Francisco, USA
Who: SanFranJo

Current rating: : 3.4 out of 6 (Click on the stars to vote)

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Landlubber: You freeze your butt off in the winter so that you can avoid paying council tax?
Liveaboard: The fact of not paying it keeps me warm. And an oil heater.

Where: Lowestoft, UK
Who: Anonymous

Current rating: : 4.17 out of 6 (Click on the stars to vote)

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Chap on pontoon #1: Hey, I tell you though, marinas on the continent are much better
Chap on pontoon #2: Really?
Chap on pontoon #1: Yes, and cheaper
Chap on pontoon #2: Are the facilities good?
Chap on pontoon #1: Oh yes, much much better than here, for half the price
Chap on pontoon #2: Well, why don’t you move?
Chap on pontoon #1: I can’t, my wife is French, she’d feel empowered in her own country, I’d never go sailing then

Where: Shoreham, UK
Who: Anonymous

Current rating: : 4.75 out of 6 (Click on the stars to vote)

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