Angry Man: If you absolutely have to get to the Isle of Wight, you use a chart. It is simple. You look up where you are, you lookup where the Isle of Wight is, and you go from there. You do not say, it is over there and end up in Portsmouth. It just should not happen.

Where: Haslar Marina, Portsmouth Harbour, Portsmouth
Who: Wish I was sailing

Current rating: : 3.5 out of 6 (Click on the stars to vote)

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Sailbad the Sinner, coming on watch and expecting a course of 185 degrees: Why are we on a 270 degrees course?
Halfwitted boat owner: I’ve taken a course off the rose. We need 270 degrees for Ibiza
Sailbad the Sinner: The compass rose is printed on the chart. Do you think that wherever you are you need to take a 270 degree course to get to Ibiza?
Halfwitted boat owner, clearly stoned: Yes.
Sailbad the Sinner: Right. I’m taking over navigation for the rest of the trip. No arguments.

Who: Sailbad the Sinner
Where: In the Med, 100 miles south of Marseilles

Current rating: : 6 out of 6 (Click on the stars to vote)

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Aussie into the phone: So, tell me, is it good? Good sailing, I mean? Nice and warm and all that?
Aussie into the phone: What do you mean, locked in ice? Oh. Where are you again? Oh, blimey, you would be in ice down there! I thought you were in Tenerife and Europe and all that!

Where: Sydney, Australia
Who: Anonymous

Current rating: : 5 out of 6 (Click on the stars to vote)

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Skipper: THE GRANNY KNOT! Damn it, the granny, you know over and in. THE GRANNY, GRANNY DAMN IT. Oh for God’s sake, some granny you’d make. Damn, how many times! One more time (really bellowing): THE FUCKING GRANNY KNOT.

Where: Canal around Evesham, UK
Who: Walker

Current rating: : 4 out of 6 (Click on the stars to vote)

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Drunk Man and drunken Woman walking along a wobbly pontoon
Man on mobile phone: Yah, well, tell him it will be monday
Man on mobile phone: Definitely
Man on mobile phone: Points at the boat to the woman, as if to tell her that this is the boat they need
Woman, turns left onto short finger pontoon: Giggles
Man on mobile phone: Ok Rob, I’ll speak to you monday, ok, bye.
Woman does not stop and walks off the pontoon straight into water: Aaaa, shit
Man, completely calm: What did you do that for?
Woman: I’ll give you what for, you bastard, pull me out.

Where: Sovereign Harbour, Eastbourne, UK
Who: SailorGirl

Current rating: : 4.29 out of 6 (Click on the stars to vote)

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Yacht, channel 16: ##### Firing Range, ##### Firing Range, this is yacht “********”, “*********”, I just had a missile come down about half mile off! Over
Firing Range: Yacht “*********”, Yacht “**********”, this is ##### Firing Range, can I have your position please, over.
Yacht, channel 16: My position is……..
Firing Range: Ah, sorry about that sir, you didn’t come up on our radar. What is your intended course?
Yacht, channel 16: ##### Firing Range, 267 T, over
Firing Range: Yacht “*********”, proceed as intended, apologies for giving you a fright
Yacht, channel 16: #### Firing Range, no harm done, you missed by a mile! Nervous laughter
Firing Range: Quite, sir. #### Firing Range out.
Yacht, channel 16: “*******” out.

Where: South Wales, UK
Who: Anonymous

Current rating: : 4.33 out of 6 (Click on the stars to vote)

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